Let’s Face the World With Our Battered Hearts and Miserable Faces

You’ve been hiding. Hiding behind food cartons and bottles of wine and (500) Days of Summer. You’ve been hiding in black rooms with the curtains drawn, in pyjama bottoms and cardigans that don’t flatter you. And, one day, you decide it’s time to get up – you have to get up – and you have to go downstairs, not to answer the door to the pizza man but to go in the bathroom, have a shower, a shave and get out of those goddamn pyjamas.

Your roommates look at you like some kind of ghost – Thomas staring at Jesus with the holes in his hands – only their look of amazement has to be kept. Jesus disappeared after Thomas saw him and Thomas’ faith was restored – you need to be present and happy, if you’re a good actor. You also need to tell them you’re OK, more than you have to say it to yourself. Keep saying it. I. Am. OK. I am normal. I am happy. I am OK.

Now you have to go outside. You’re dressed and don’t smell like bed anymore so it’s time you go out into the sunlight, not matter how cold it is. So you step out that door – this time not in you pyjamas to go to the shop and buy a bottle of Jack Daniels – but to go into town and be human again. You have to do what everyone else does simply because they expect it of you. So you walk, walk past people on phones, past people smiling, ignorantly happy, holding hands, linking arms and you have a stabbing feeling in your chest but you continue. Continue walking. Keep breathing.

Days pass, and life sort of continues, falls into its usual pattern. Roommates stop looking at you like a ghost. Colleagues no longer see you as a bomb ready to explode. When you take a sip of alcohol they don’t expect you to turn into a blubbering mess, a reminiscent fool. They expect you to be OK because you’re over it, right? You’re fine. And the world tells you it’s time to be completely fine, no longer lying about it because it’s been a long time. So listen to them, listen to their ignorant voices, listen to their silly tones and tell yourself you’re going to be OK. Sooner or later, you will believe the lie.